


Too Good at Goodbyes

by triskele_93



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, i am possessed with the need to fix it, post 15x18, so to fic we turn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:47:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27655013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triskele_93/pseuds/triskele_93
Summary: Cas is gone, claimed by the Empty, and Dean didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Too Good at Goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

> Title obviously borrowed from Sam Smith's "Too Good at Goodbyes". I don't recommend listening to that while reading. Not unless you want to experience super pain, then that's on you.
> 
> Post 15x18 fic, because I'm sad.

The cold of the bunker floor was slowly seeping through the seat of his jeans, and there were shooting pains travelling up and down his legs from where they had been bent for so long without moving, but he couldn’t pull himself up and move. It felt like a sacrilegious act to move from that spot, to stop the tears from flowing down his face, to stop his breath from hitching every few seconds, because Cas was gone. He was really gone and all Dean had done was stand there and watch as his best friend, the person he cared most about in all the world aside from Sam, had made the ultimate sacrifice to save him. Fresh tears came at the memory of Cas’ face before the Empty claimed him, at how he had peacefully accepted his fate, had not made a single move to fight back, how he had just looked at Dean with all the love that the hunter now knew he possessed and allowed the Empty to drag him away, to a place where Dean could not reach him, to a place where Dean would not be able to follow.

His phone buzzed on the floor next to him, a glance at the screen showed that it was Sam calling again. There was a vague feeling of guilt that he was ignoring the calls of his brother who so clearly needed him, but the longer he looked at the screen of his phone, the less he wanted to answer it. Because answering it meant having to explain to Sam what had happened, it meant having to tell Sam that Cas was gone and that Dean had failed yet again, to keep their friend safe. It meant telling Sam what Cas had confessed to him, and it meant having to acknowledge the feelings that that confession had brought up in him. But Dean still didn’t reach out and pick up the phone. Eventually it stopped ringing, the screen going dark jut like it had done the last five times that Sam had called. Dean turned his head back so that he was facing where Cas had been standing, and felt is heart break all over again. He could still see Cas before him, the image burned on to his memory for the rest of his existence. The tears that had filled his eyes and eventually run down his cheeks, the almost pleading expression on his face as he begged Dean to accept the truth of what he was saying;

_“You are the most selfless, loving human being that I will ever know.” ___

__Cas had always had too much faith in him, too much heart. He had never accepted that Dean was nothing more than a screw up who couldn’t keep his own family safe. He always thought Dean was something more, maybe the Righteous Man or maybe not, but always more than what he was. And despite what Dean had said and done to him all these years, he still had that same faith in Dean and he still came back to them._ _

_“I always come when you call.” ___

____But not this time, because this time there was no coming back. Tears continued to streak their way down Dean’s face, his sobs growing louder as the seconds passed. He screwed his eyes shut, trying to drown out the image of Cas but then his mind started to show him all the moments that he had missed over the time he had known the angel. The long glances, the concern over his well being, the gummy smile that only Dean knew how to pull out of him. Castiel standing under street lights after saving Dean yet again._ _ _ _

_“We had an appointment.” ___

______Castiel sitting at the table of the bunker, newly human but whole and in one piece. Pushing a chair out for Dean so that they could sit together, completely unaware of the pain that Dean was about to cause them both._ _ _ _ _ _

_“Dean, you know I always appreciate our talks, and our time together.” ___

________Castiel standing in front of him, begging for him to come back to them, while the Mark of Cain pulsed on his arm and his hand gripped the First Blade until his fingers were numb._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_“Maybe you could fight the mark for years. Maybe centuries, like Cain did. But you can’t fight it forever. And when you turn, and you will turn, Sam, and everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead. Everyone except me. I’m the only one who will have to watch you murder the world. So if there’s even a small chance that we can save you, I won’t let you walk out of this room.” ___

__________All this time, Cas had been holding in his feelings, burying them to help the Winchester’s save the world. And what did it say about Dean, that the only time Cas thought he could make those feelings known, is when he knew that he would be immediately taken from Dean. While Dean was still grieving for Cas, there was an undercurrent of anger too. How dare Cas leave it like this? How dare he leave Dean when there was no way now for Dean to reply, to potentially get out a confession of his own._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_“I love you.” ___

____________Because there was something that Dean needed to confess. Something he should have confessed a long time ago, but had been too scared to actually give a voice to. Something that could have brought him the greatest happiness his miserable existence had ever known, and could have prevented Cas from leaving again. Instead, because of his own fears and insecurities, he had buried it, languishing in slaps on the back, and jokes at the angel’s expense, in roadside bar hookups, and in hunting and killing all the evil sons of bitches that he could. And if sometimes, in the dark of the night, he wondered how it would feel to tell Cas, to hold his hand, to press a kiss to the side of his head, to wrap him up when he inevitably needed to rest, then that was a secret that Dean would take to his grave._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Dean scrubbed at his face before getting to his feet. He stared at the wall through which the Empty had come to claim Cas, before staggering over to it and placing his hands on the cool stone. There was absolutely no trace of the Empty on the wall at all, no trace that the room was any different to how it had been when Dean and Cas had staggered in to it, no trace of the thing that had shattered Dean’s world in seconds. Dean’s knees trembled at this acknowledgement that there was not even a trace of Cas left, that he had been erased from the world completely leaving nothing behind him but memories and a bloody handprint on the shoulder of Dean’s jacket, a reminder and an echo of the original handprint that he had left there all those years ago._ ___________

_“I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.” ___

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______________Dean rested his forehead against the bricks, as his grief threatened to overwhelm him again, as it threatened to swallow him whole and drag him down into the very depths of despair. Eventually, his knees gave out and he dropped back to the floor, his hands and his head still resting on the brick wall, not caring that he was probably ripping off skin as he dropped. And he prayed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________“I need whoever has got their ears on to listen to me right now. Castiel is- Cas is gone. He’s been taken by the Empty. But I want him back, you hear me? He is mine and I want him back. And I will dropkick every single one of you son’s of bitches that tries to stop me. If you want to help me then that is fine, you know how to find me, but get in my way and we’ll see what happens.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________As suspected, there was no immediate response to his prayer, but Dean stayed where he was for a moment longer, trying to calm the raging storm of his thoughts into a more coherent plan. He wasn’t all that surprised that his prayer went unanswered. After all, the only angel who had ever answered them was gone now. Dean took a series of deep, shuddering breaths as he tried to push himself out of the spiral of grief and into action. There was an angel that needed saving, and then there was a God to defeat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________After a couple more moments, he pushed himself off of his aching knees, using the wall to push himself up into a standing position. He took one last look at the wall, vowing to himself that when he came back, him and Cas were going to cover that wall up so that they would never be reminded of what that wall had brought them. He turned on his heel, and made his way over to where he had landed after Cas had pushed him down. Reaching down, he scooped up his phone and tapped the screen. There were now six missed calls from Sam, four voicemails and a number of text messages all conveying a growing sense of alarm. He thumbed through the messages but didn’t take in any of the information that they contained. The roaring in his ears had finally seemed to quiet and reduce to a low hum, his hands had stopped shaking and his breath was coming more evenly now. Pocketing his phone, he scrubbed at his face one last time before striding towards the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________The moment Castiel walked into that barn, Dean Winchester was saved._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________And he would fight like hell to save the angel too._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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End file.
